day one of unemployment

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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by oomska » Thu Aug 15, 2013 11:53 am

Ellietronic wrote:Thank you very much, I would say all my hard work and effort paid off but in reality there is no effort put into the mad load of bollocks I say, it seems being an idiot comes completely natural to me. :lol:

Well at least nobody could point a rancid Alan Sugar type finger at us and accuse us of being boring, I think our imaginations definately have been granted an unlimited budget and for some unknown reason some non toxic coloured crayons to write it down with. :P

Ellietronic wrote:Writing for the Watchtower might be interesting, I know where the local dogging place round here is so I'm already half qualified for the job. I may put it to the Witnesses next time they come to my door.

Don`t forget to answer the door naked ... the poor nieve eunuchs will either be struck down by a bolt of lightning and be sent directly to hell with no supper for having banned thoughts or together with their ecumenical training will not even notice until they get into bed later that night and realise what they just missed. AAARGH " She was in the nip" :wink:

Ellietronic wrote:I do hope you join the WI, aren't they the ones that do the nudey calendars? You could be Miss January, getting the year off to an erotic start with you holding some freshly baked cakes in front of your bits as you smile sweetly. :thumbup:

Like the idea ... you could join in and we could do alternate months each disguising our modesty packages with various food items, you could use the Toad in the hole, with added Fifty shades of gravy and the Whipping cream to help you cover up and I could utilise the Jerk Chicken and the stinky bishop Cheese and for the winter months we can cover ourselves with Frosties which apparently are basically just Cornflakes for people who cant face reality. :lol:

Ellietronic wrote:You're welcome to come and live in Ellie's world if you want, it contains such fun if you like getting naked to Pink Floyd, comparing handbags while drinking tea, and stroking friendly cows lying on the side of the road, but it's a bit full. There's plenty of room for something small to join though, something the size of a little grey squirrel and his fat red mate would fit in excellently.

Do them things really happen in your world ... you must be making it all up :lol: :P

Ellietronic wrote:Just to cheer you up from this reality bollocks, here is a picture of a drunken me rubbing my face over my beautiful kitty cat, Miss Socks, because she is so cute she always cheers me up, especially when I bury my face in her soft fur. Isn't she beautiful? She's like a piece of cat-shaped velvet. I tried rubbing my face on her tummy once but she dug her claws into the back of my head and made me bleed so ever since then I've rubbed my face on her side, it's much less painful.
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Very nice as always .. damn .. now I have got to try and avoid your eyes :wink: .. Socks looks like a negative inversion of Monty :thumbup:

Blimey this is turning into some kind of epic saga ilogy, trilogy, quillogy thing and I can`t keep up, I`m sorry I`m going to sleep in the spare room :lol:
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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by Ellietronic » Thu Aug 15, 2013 11:03 pm

oomska wrote:Well at least nobody could point a rancid Alan Sugar type finger at us and accuse us of being boring, I think our imaginations definately have been granted an unlimited budget and for some unknown reason some non toxic coloured crayons to write it down with. :P


:lol: We should use our special Crayola crayons to write down our combined brain powers and write a song to enter next years Eurovision song contest I think. I bet we have a chance of winning if we write a song about our favourite lovely horse, my only demand is that we wear sequined jackets to sing it, and despite my saxophone playing talent we definitely shouldn't have a sax solo in it. If we could just find the right backing track on an old record I'm sure we can pull it off...

oomska wrote:Don`t forget to answer the door naked ... the poor nieve eunuchs will either be struck down by a bolt of lightning and be sent directly to hell with no supper for having banned thoughts or together with their ecumenical training will not even notice until they get into bed later that night and realise what they just missed. AAARGH " She was in the nip" :wink:


That's already happened with the postman, he also caught me singing along and dancing like an idiot to the Beatles one time, so there is no shame left in me. Hopefully for those poor eunuchs they'll get the image of naked me out of their brain quickly, I wouldn't want them being cast into the fires of hell on account of my nunga-nungas. :lol:

oomska wrote:Like the idea ... you could join in and we could do alternate months each disguising our modesty packages with various food items, you could use the Toad in the hole, with added Fifty shades of gravy and the Whipping cream to help you cover up and I could utilise the Jerk Chicken and the stinky bishop Cheese and for the winter months we can cover ourselves with Frosties which apparently are basically just Cornflakes for people who cant face reality. :lol:


:lol: I think for the Christmas one we should both cover ourselves in holly, it may inflict a few injuries but I'll bandage you up afterwards, and think of how nicely the green leaves will contrast with my hair. Or maybe we should do you as santa with a whipped cream beard? I could sit on your lap telling you what I want for my Xmas pressies as you twiddle your beard and fiddle with your sack. :lol:


oomska wrote:Do them things really happen in your world ... you must be making it all up :lol: :P

They did... they don't any more, my life is pretty boring nowadays, it's all work work work. I miss having an awesome time. :(

oomska wrote:Very nice as always .. damn .. now I have got to try and avoid your eyes :wink: .. Socks looks like a negative inversion of Monty :thumbup:

Blimey this is turning into some kind of epic saga ilogy, trilogy, quillogy thing and I can`t keep up, I`m sorry I`m going to sleep in the spare room :lol:


Thanks... why are you avoiding my eyes? Have you been fiddling with yourself over my photos again? Pervert. :P Socks and Monty are the best colours, black and white is always so dapper.

Also, no Dougal, don't sleep in the spare room, you just threw yourself in too deep there... one more time, these are SMALL. The ones out there are FAR AWAY. :lol:
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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by oomska » Fri Aug 23, 2013 11:29 am

Ellietronic wrote::lol: We should use our special Crayola crayons to write down our combined brain powers and write a song to enter next years Eurovision song contest I think. I bet we have a chance of winning if we write a song about our favourite lovely horse, my only demand is that we wear sequined jackets to sing it, and despite my saxophone playing talent we definitely shouldn't have a sax solo in it. If we could just find the right backing track on an old record I'm sure we can pull it off...:


Im all up for the Glitz and the glamour and the celebrity lifestyle when we win the Eurovision song contest, though on second thoughts could we stand the paparazzi taking lurid pics while we are holidaying in the Med on our yacht, or even trying to drive the Bently through hoards of fans just so we can get to the Dorchester for tea and cake ... no I don`t want it, it`s too much too soon .. we must burn the recording and destroy all evidence of it straight away :lol: ... I didn`t know you could play the Saxemephone :wink: !

Ellietronic wrote:That's already happened with the postman, he also caught me singing along and dancing like an idiot to the Beatles one time, so there is no shame left in me. Hopefully for those poor eunuchs they'll get the image of naked me out of their brain quickly, I wouldn't want them being cast into the fires of hell on account of my nunga-nungas. :lol: :


Nunga, nungas :shock: :lol: , they kinda roll off the tongue, gotta love your Anatomically correct terminology ... Oh and by the way class, did you know ... A ladies catchment area/gobstoppers/ski slopes/speed humps have been blessed with the highest amount of affectionate slang words to describe their glory (mostly by blokes I`m assuming, which I do a lot) ... which in itself I`m delighted to say requires some degree of superior intelligence .... see, we take our job seriously, who says men are just uncaring, brainless, slaverating, Neanderthals who drag their nuckles around behind them whilst trying to get our urine the highest up the wall and regualrly only having one thing on our minds. :lol:


Ellietronic wrote:Also, no Dougal, don't sleep in the spare room, you just threw yourself in too deep there... one more time, these are SMALL. The ones out there are FAR AWAY. :lol:


I think I would play Dougal quite well on account of my dopey, vacant expression and of course being awkward around loverley girrels, sometimes his carefree lifestyle does appeal to me ... getting up early at nothing to do o`clock in the afternoon all the coloured V neck sweaters I could wish for and hanging around authorititive Nuns... sometimes the simple things in life are the most rewarding and enjoyable ones. :thumbup:

Yes I know, All completely mental and yet eyegasmically correct ... We four make a right pair if ever their was one. :wink:
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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by Ellietronic » Mon Aug 26, 2013 10:52 am

oomska wrote:Im all up for the Glitz and the glamour and the celebrity lifestyle when we win the Eurovision song contest, though on second thoughts could we stand the paparazzi taking lurid pics while we are holidaying in the Med on our yacht, or even trying to drive the Bently through hoards of fans just so we can get to the Dorchester for tea and cake ... no I don`t want it, it`s too much too soon .. we must burn the recording and destroy all evidence of it straight away :lol: ... I didn`t know you could play the Saxemephone :wink: !


I think you're right, I'm a secretive person and would hate to be hounded by the press or fans when we're just out shopping for cake and fine wine or doing lurid things on our yacht while covered in champagne. Quick, get the bin and we'll burn all evidence of the recording, hopefully when it's gone we won't instantly regret it, I'm sure fame and fortune isn't all it's made out to be... Although the money we made would probably have bought us a nice little private cottage in the hills with land for chickens and sheep where we could have lived out the rest of our days pretending to be farmers and drinking cider and discussing butter after faking our own deaths to get people off our backs...

My saxophone playing skills are 10% talent, 90% dreams of joining Dr John or BB King's band and playing funky jazz/blues with them in New Orleans while drunk on whiskey. So you probably won't be seeing me on stage in some dingy blues bar anytime soon. :P

oomska wrote:Nunga, nungas :shock: :lol: , they kinda roll off the tongue, gotta love your Anatomically correct terminology ... Oh and by the way class, did you know ... A ladies catchment area/gobstoppers/ski slopes/speed humps have been blessed with the highest amount of affectionate slang words to describe their glory (mostly by blokes I`m assuming, which I do a lot) ... which in itself I`m delighted to say requires some degree of superior intelligence .... see, we take our job seriously, who says men are just uncaring, brainless, slaverating, Neanderthals who drag their nuckles around behind them whilst trying to get our urine the highest up the wall and regualrly only having one thing on our minds. :lol:


:lol: Nunga nungas is my favourite phrase, although I do like funbags and sweater hams as well. I'm just as bad as you phrase-inventing blokes, I like to waste my time laughing at names for men's bits as well as women's love pillows. Tallywacker is one of my favourites, along with meat-and-two-veg, as saying them makes me feel like some posh lord of the manor who drinks his tea wih his little finger sticking out like an erect part of his anatomy.
I also like 'the vomiting milkman' and 'the kidney poker'. As in "bring your big hard kidney poker over here you stud" and "not now, I have a headache, I'm in no mood for the vomiting milkman". :lol:

oomska wrote: I think I would play Dougal quite well on account of my dopey, vacant expression and of course being awkward around loverley girrels, sometimes his carefree lifestyle does appeal to me ... getting up early at nothing to do o`clock in the afternoon all the coloured V neck sweaters I could wish for and hanging around authorititive Nuns... sometimes the simple things in life are the most rewarding and enjoyable ones. :thumbup:


I think you'd make a marvellous Dougal, his v neck sweaters combined with a priest collar would make you look very dashing. Just make sure you don't catch your sweater on anything, as it may unravel to form some sort of woman's bra, although picturing it in my head I think that's a look you'd be able to pull off too. :lol: :thumbup:

Due to people telling me I make a good cup of tea I think I'd have to apply for the role of Mrs Doyle, one night you'll wake up at 3am and go downstairs and turn on the light, and I'll just be stood there, fresh pot of tea brewed as I stand in my dressing gown waiting to pour you a cup, and hallucinating from lack of sleep.
I quite fancy a nun role too though, I'll be like Sister Assumpta the priest groupie and attend all the masses you do. Although if you're ever required to do a funeral I might give that a miss, as I don't want to end up on fire or anything. "YOU LET DOUGAL DO A FUNERAL?!" :lol:

oomska wrote: Yes I know, All completely mental and yet eyegasmically correct ... We four make a right pair if ever their was one. :wink:


A right [slightly mad] pair is the best type of pair to be. :thumbup:
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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by McFuck » Tue Aug 27, 2013 10:48 pm

why you highjack my unemployment thread???
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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by oomska » Sun Sep 01, 2013 10:44 pm

Ellietronic wrote:My saxophone playing skills are 10% talent, 90% dreams of joining Dr John or BB King's band and playing funky jazz/blues with them in New Orleans while drunk on whiskey. So you probably won't be seeing me on stage in some dingy blues bar anytime soon. :P


I`d wager you at least £5 English pounds you are better than you think you are :thumbup: ... Dreams are what dreams are made of ... oh and some cheese on toast :thumbup:
Ellietronic wrote: I like to waste my time laughing at names for men's bits as well as women's love pillows. Tallywacker is one of my favourites,

Samuel Johnson would be so proud of our quintessent assemblage of mellifluous wordaging or am I being a flibbertegibbet and just spouting a lot load huftygertershit of borborygmus ... I just found the phrase "100% Beef thermometer" which sticks out amongst many that make me chortle like a deflating balloon, recently in a conversation I spouted the term "Hamster strangler" like some mad Shakespearian creationist but I haven`t found a body part to attribute it to as yet .. now I think I might have got this game wrong or back to front I don't know :roll:
Ellietronic wrote:I think you'd make a marvellous Dougal, his v neck sweaters combined with a priest collar would make you look very dashing. Just make sure you don't catch your sweater on anything, as it may unravel to form some sort of woman's bra, although picturing it in my head I think that's a look you'd be able to pull off too. :lol: :thumbup:

Brilliant Idea, that`s settled, tonight Matthew I`m going to be Dopey Dougal sporting an unravelled 40a Bra jumper and vestigial tab with matching Ninja Turtles pyjama bottoms, I bet Tedfest will have never seen a more life like version of a mock Dougal though a slightly older and more preverted interpretation ... I`ve decided in my self prophecising wisdom you could pull off that low temperature Niamh Connolly quite well on account that you would look amazing in those shiny PVC pants, plus then I`ve got a good excuse for continuously requesting you to "take off yer bra" :P
Ellietronic wrote:Due to people telling me I make a good cup of tea I think I'd have to apply for the role of Mrs Doyle

I don`t know how to break this to you this but that's what I do ... I tell literally some people that they make a great cup of Tea just to encourage them to make even more free Tea for me like and like mad Tea making slave robots they comply... It works every time. :thumbup:


McFuck wrote:why you highjack my unemployment thread???

Sorry about that Mcfuck, I can`t explain it, well I can really, one minute I was sleeping in the spare room next minute Ellie and I had joined the North West faction of the Cheshire peoples front, or is it The peoples front of Cheshire, who are well known locally for their wave of high profile hijackings, mainly Stuffed Ferrets, Milk floats and anything sparkly or shiny that the Magpies have missed ...

Hope you rejoin the rat race soon :thumbup: ... Not sure if I have made that sound encouraging enough or not there :oops:

Jesus, I need a nice cup of tea after all that ... where the fup is my robot :lol:
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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by Ellietronic » Wed Sep 04, 2013 10:08 am

oomska wrote:I`d wager you at least £5 English pounds you are better than you think you are :thumbup: ... Dreams are what dreams are made of ... oh and some cheese on toast :thumbup:


You're welcome to come and listen to me play, this is a bet you will definitely be losing. I'll take my £5 in blue note form please, or if you're a bit broke I'll settle for you making me a nice cup of tea in my favourite Beatles mug and bringing me some chocolatey-fudge-type cake instead. :P

oomska wrote:recently in a conversation I spouted the term "Hamster strangler" like some mad Shakespearian creationist but I haven`t found a body part to attribute it to as yet .. now I think I might have got this game wrong or back to front I don't know :roll:


:lol: "100% beef thermometer", that's one I'll be using in work later. Hmm I think I've figured out what a hamster strangler should be, kids cover your eyes and ears this is going to be quite disgusting... ok so stay with me on this one. Remember those rumours of a certain Hollywood type sticking a small rodent up his bum-holey? Well obviously it'd suffocate up there with no air right? Sooooo... maybe a hamster strangler is a posterior and the act of putting stuff up there could have that term attributed to it? I.E "Excuse me a while dear, before our sensible missionary lights-out coitus tonight I just need to strangle the hamster and then I'll be ready to go". :lol:

oomska wrote:Brilliant Idea, that`s settled, tonight Matthew I`m going to be Dopey Dougal sporting an unravelled 40a Bra jumper and vestigial tab with matching Ninja Turtles pyjama bottoms, I bet Tedfest will have never seen a more life like version of a mock Dougal though a slightly older and more preverted interpretation ... I`ve decided in my self prophecising wisdom you could pull off that low temperature Niamh Connolly quite well on account that you would look amazing in those shiny PVC pants, plus then I`ve got a good excuse for continuously requesting you to "take off yer bra" :P


:lol: :lol: Awww Dougal, "I'll tell you what... I'll make tea, and you take your bra off"... sounds like a fair trade off to me, that Niamh Connolly didn't know what type of a good deal she was getting from him.
Not sure about the PVC pants but I'll let you in your Dougally wisdom be the judge of those. :lol: Although I'm far from an angry feminist, and I'm quite girly, I'd rather wear a dress and be in the sexist Loverly Girrells competition. :P

oomska wrote:I don`t know how to break this to you this but that's what I do ... I tell literally some people that they make a great cup of Tea just to encourage them to make even more free Tea for me like and like mad Tea making slave robots they comply... It works every time. :thumbup:


:lol: Love that idea, genius. Although I think I've been duped over the years, now how do I know if my tea making skills are good or not? Bollocks. :(

oomska wrote:Sorry about that Mcfuck, I can`t explain it, well I can really, one minute I was sleeping in the spare room next minute Ellie and I had joined the North West faction of the Cheshire peoples front, or is it The peoples front of Cheshire, who are well known locally for their wave of high profile hijackings, mainly Stuffed Ferrets, Milk floats and anything sparkly or shiny that the Magpies have missed ...


The people's front of Cheshire sounds like a fancy title for my nunga-nungas. :lol:
And don't forget the chicken fondling, lambanana riding and posh-type laughsnorting on the résumé...

oomska wrote:Jesus, I need a nice cup of tea after all that ... where the fup is my robot :lol:


It's probably fucked off after your tea confession. You'll have to coerce some other poor person into being your new tea robot with a sycophantic sucky-uppy "oooooh, you make a lovely cup of tea". :P
Just make sure you pick someone who doesn't put the milk in first, that is the WRONG way to make tea. The monsters. :thumbup:

P.S After a shitty time at work recently thats making me feel like I might have some sort of breakdown, thanks for making me laugh. Please accept this photo of a tangerine I had yesterday as a thank you. Look, it looks like it has a nipple! Hawhawhaw snort snort. :D
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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by The Purveyor » Thu Sep 05, 2013 8:59 pm

McFuck wrote:why you highjack my unemployment thread???


Any news, Fucker?
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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by McFuck » Mon Sep 09, 2013 6:03 pm

I had to turn down a job I would have enjoyed because they weren't paying a decent wage. I'll get more money on the dole! Still I keep at it, and I'm going to a volunteer orientation at my local animal shelter. Still the days fly by and I'm not at all bored.
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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by The Purveyor » Mon Sep 09, 2013 8:41 pm

That sounds like a sensible option. You never know, you may end up working with animals. You could argue: I already have :roll:
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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by McFuck » Tue Sep 10, 2013 12:18 am

I'd like to move to Australia and save the koalas.
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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by crooked » Tue Sep 10, 2013 1:44 am

We should all get paid for doing nothing while the robots do all the work and the robot repair robots do all the robot repairs.
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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by HE Bates » Tue Sep 10, 2013 6:44 pm

Or, you know, lying around watching films and listening to music, cooking for friends, preferably atheist, who can hold intelligent conversations...
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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by McFuck » Thu Sep 12, 2013 1:03 am

Sad lack of anyone here who can hold an intelligent conversation. They're all glued to their electronic devices. Twats.

Although this news story made me LOL:

http://www.wtop.com/46/3448087/Texting- ... an-in-lake

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Re: day one of unemployment

PostPosted by oomska » Fri Sep 13, 2013 9:27 pm

Ellietronic wrote:You're welcome to come and listen to me play, this is a bet you will definitely be losing. I'll take my £5 in blue note form please

Well Josephine, I`m not sure if my spine could take 8 bars of Melancholy Baby as it`s already made from Custard and Goose bumps, certainly losing £5 would be well worth it as long as I don`t get the fuzzy end of the Lollipop again. :lol:
Ellietronic wrote::lol: "100% beef thermometer", that's one I'll be using in work later.

Did you manage to raise any eyebrows or mercury levels in work with the Beef thermometer? :wink:
Ellietronic wrote:Just make sure you pick someone who doesn't put the milk in first, that is the WRONG way to make tea. The monsters. :thumbup:

Exactly, I totally agree when making the Tea you should never express the milk in first ... how very council estate, I have met some people who are as bad at making Tea as the Chinese are at saying Phenodihydrochloride benzelex or even Liquorice allsorts, any adult caught perpetrating such a horrendous irreversible process should be drowned at birth or made to listen to that No direction shite, I`m just so glad I was not born before Tea was created .. or the Beatles :thumbup:


P.S, Don`t tell anybody, but thanks for showing me your nipple :P


Sorry Mcfuck this is about as intelligent as I am going to get on a Friday evening :beer: :mrgreen:
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