Businessman on Train : [reading a newspaper] I see the police have made another lightning raid.
Priest on Train : I suppose young girls was involved?
Businessman on Train : One found naked in the bathroom. "Breasts smeared with peanut butter. The police also found a bag containing 15 ounces of cannibus resin. The bag may also have contained a small quantity of heroin."
Denis Dimbleby Bagley : Or a porkpie. The bag may also have contained a porkpie.
Businessman on Train : I hardly see what a porkpie's got to do with it.
Denis Dimbleby Bagley : Then how about a turnip? The bag may also have contained a large turnip.
Priest on Train : The bag was full of drugs. It says so!
Denis Dimbleby Bagley : It's the oldest trick in the book.
Priest on Train : Book? What book?
Denis Dimbleby Bagley : The distortion of truth by association book. You all believe heroin was in the bag because cannibus resin was in the bag, but the chances of it actually being there are certain 100 to 1.
Businessman on Train : A lot more likely than what you say.
Denis Dimbleby Bagley : About as likely as the tits smeared with peanut butter.
Priest on Train : The tits were spread with peanut butter! It says so! Who's a man you are to think you know more about it than the press?
Denis Dimbleby Bagley : I'm an expert on tits. Tits and peanut butter. I'm also an expert drug pusher. I've been pushing drugs for 20 years, and I can tell you a pusher always protects his pitch. We want to sell them cigarettes, and we don't like competition, see? So we associate a relatively innocuous drug with one that is more deadly, and the rags go along with it because they adore the dough from the ads!
Businessman on Train : I'm getting off at Datchet.
Denis Dimbleby Bagley : Getting off at Datchet won't help you. Getting off anywhere won't help you! I've had an octopus squatting on my brain for a fortnight, but now I see that only I can save you! It'd be pointless to go into reasons why, but I've been worried sick about boils for a fortnight! Big ones, small ones, fast eruptors, they're incurable all of them. I know that. Everybody knows that. Until they get one; then the rules suddenly change, but there's really nothing but hope of curing that.
[Points to priest]
Denis Dimbleby Bagley : He knows that, which is why he gets a good look-in with the dying. Sells them hope, see? But these boils would be fortide into real estate if anybody came up with a genuine cure for death!
Priest on Train : Good God, this is a madman!
Denis Dimbleby Bagley : What do you know about God, you wire-haired mick?
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