The US Centre for Disease Control and the World Health Organisation have today issued a joint alert regarding the continuing spread of H1N1-variant swine flu.
Laboratory tests carried out in Mexico City on bodies of confirmed flu victims have revealed that a virulent new strain of the virus has evolved, showing signs of having merged with the H5N1 variant, known as "bird flu". Sources say that this new strain, "flying pig flu", could kill between 0.001 and 99.9% of the global population at some point in the next 3 minutes to 900 years, depending on variables such as whether people die or not. Reports from Scotland today confirmed that two people have contracted the disease, and are in a stable condition at home with a mug of Lemsip and a blanket.
Shares in DIY store chains Homebase and B&Q were up sharply on the day following reports of panic buying of flimsy cardboard face masks by credulous morons, and Andrew Witty, the Chief Executive of GlaxoSmithKline, was seen rubbing his hands together and laughing hysterically following news that the Government intended buying up, at a vastly inflated price, the company's remaining stocks of its unproven and almost certainly useless flu vaccine.
Despite assurances from hundreds of clever, educated medical professionals that there really is nothing to worry about, the news media continued to spout off like a hyperactive manic depressive, with headlines such as "DEADLY PIG FLU SWEEPS THE WORLD", "PANDEMIC TO DESTROY LIFE AS WE KNOW IT" and "F*CK ME, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"
The Society for Hippies and Allied Vegetablists issued a press release claiming that strict adherents of a vegetarian diet would be immune to the disease, thus proving once and for all that an all-vegetable diet really does have a causal link with smug ignorance, and man with a big bushy beard and a hook for a hand shouted at anyone within earshot that Muslims would be spared due to their refusal to eat pork, while the pig-munching heretics of the West would surely perish in the cleansing fire of blah blah blah. He was ignored.
The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, fresh from being snubbed by the President of Pakistan and desperate for something, anything, to divert the public's attention away from his humiliating climb-down over MPs' expenses, stated that his prudent decision - to inoculate himself, his family, his friends, several of his more loyal cabinet ministers, and the man who fixes his laser printers - had been the right decision, contrasting with the Tories who, he said, would have "done nothing", then mumbling something meaningless about "hard working families". When challenged that it would be grasping, evil-minded, self-interested politicians and civil servants, and the indolent, feckless, workshy underclass who would benefit from a state-funded inoculation programme, Mr. Brown threw a passing Damian McBride at the questioner and escaped in the ensuing expletive-filled confusion.
Meanwhile, most people in the UK just got on with their lives, and thousands of poor people in Africa and such like continued to die from malaria and AIDS
"imagine the size of his balls!"